This post is about cupcakes. As I share with my clients, sometimes we crave sweets when we need a little sweetness in our lives. At the same time, I share the importance of listening to our bodies. This story is about a cupcake that I loved so much that I would ignore how my body responds to me eating it. That was until two days ago when I came to a realization.

I call myself a recovering perfectionist. I used to search for the perfect eating lifestyle that is the healthiest and as I began studying naturopathic medicine and traditional medicine, I realize that a whole food organic diet is the ideal place to be. There was a time I was rigid about what I would put in my body and over time, I’ve learned to eat for health and allow myself room for enjoyment. Many of my eating choices now are based on listening to my body and eating plant dominant. I have a pretty bad gluten sensitivity so that has been my only hard line in the last few years, as I am flexible in other food choices. With disordered eating patterns like orthorexia, the excessive preoccupation with healthy eating increasing, I have found rigidity to be just as detrimental as other disordered eating or food addiction, especially for mental health.

My ode to yummy cupcakes

When I was completing my pre-med prerequisites, I would treat myself weekly to a vanilla on vanilla gluten-free vegan cupcake from Sweets by Holly. I worked really hard to do well in my classes and because I had a treat I really enjoyed, I would study diligently. They were freshly baked and only available on Thursdays and occasionally on Saturdays if I pre-ordered. I was so into these cupcakes, I would give them to everyone. The consensus were they were awesome. I believed they were the best cupcakes hands down because they melted in my mouth (My opinion). 

For years I’ve let go of my weekly sweet treats as gluten-free bakeries are hard to find. Instead, I would have the occasional sweet if I found a gluten-free option that aligned with my sweet tolerance. Because I do not practice deprivation, I try to limit my sweets to once a week and I savor it with all of my senses. I was never a dessert person until I worked at a grand café and bakery in NYC. I was introduced to fruit tarts, macaroons and my favorite, almond croissants, obviously this is before I was aware that my body does not tolerate gluten. Then I worked at another French restaurant that made chocolate tarts made with caramel. I love caramel. I was hooked and would try to butter up the chefs for a slice. It was at this restaurant that I became aware that I would break out in hives if my arm touched where the bread was cut so I used to annoy my server assistant to get bread for my tables. Eventually, I moved towards raw deserts like cashew cheez cakes with agave and black bean brownies or garbanzo bean blondie that I baked with minimal sweeteners. But, I find baking time-consuming and I would rather eat savory foods that I can prepare in 30 minutes or less with fruit for dessert most nights. 

Since I moved to Illinois, I found these gluten-free salted caramel cupcakes with salted caramel frosting by Sweet Ali’s Gluten-Free Bakery that I fell in love with. They are so good that I have willingly eaten them even though my body reacts mainly to the dairy and sugar. I usually eat fruit, dark chocolate or a tsp of honey with my tea or a nut butter so I have a relatively low tolerance for sweets.

Giving into desire

On a trip to the health food store in October, shortly after moving to Illinois, I found these cupcakes that are gluten-free with salted caramel icing drizzled on top. I did not give in to temptation immediately but when I came across them at a grocery store, I gave in. It tasted so good that even when I went to eliminate the craving for cupcakes, I decided to spare this specific cupcake for special occasions. After a party where there was an abundance of gluten-free cupcakes that were put in my bag, I decided to never end up in that situation again and said bye-bye to cupcakes after savoring a couple of fancy cupcakes and donating the rest to my class. Although I let go of my desire to eat most cupcakes,  I was not ready to let go of my salted caramel cupcakes and I did not want to ruin my relationship with it, as well.

On New Years Day, I had two cravings; one for a burger and the other for the cupcakes. I have very few vices so getting a burger patty and cupcakes to add to my bed of lettuce and air-fried, fresh cut red potato fries was me pulling out all the stops. It had been a month since I had a cupcake, I picked some up the week leading into my birthday and so I was thinking, “what’s the harm if it is an occasional treat.”

Shortly after eating the cupcakes, my throat gets a little burn and then I begin coughing. It is similar to the cough people may experience when they experience GERD or acid reflux. I also experience joint pain of recent injuries. I was laying on my couch during Thanksgiving break watching Korean dramas on Netflix and next thing I knew, I had one-sided shoulder pain that was unresolved for over a month. I almost resolved the pain after visiting our student clinic almost weekly for acupuncture and physical medicine treatments including constitutional hydrotherapy, soft tissues manipulation (massage) and joint manipulations. I put myself on an anti-inflammatory diet for a couple of weeks, and performed self Reiki which I found very effective for my recent flare up as I wait for my next appointment. As I am giving myself Reiki I found myself reflecting on my cupcake.

The irony of starting the New Year doing an anti-resolution yet finding myself reflecting on why I bought the cupcakes makes me chuckle. Transforming behavior is so integrated into my life that every moment becomes a moment of possible change. There is no room for long-term guilty pleasures because I feel compelled to face the guilt and extinguish it.

Transported back in time

In my reflection, I was brought back to my childhood in Indiana. Being back in the Midwest has been interesting. This region was home from the ages of 7 to about 14. I find myself in my feelings walking past split level midwest ranch homes because they remind me of one of my childhood homes. Being the holiday season, with my birthday falling between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I found myself reminiscing on how my family spent the holidays during my childhood. My dad loved baking and still does. He owned both copies of the Joy of Cooking cookbooks which were the base to his cooking and baking because they had great recipes. 

My dad used one of the cake recipes to bake my birthday cakes from scratch. The cake was topped with homemade caramel icing sauce and sometimes he would put walnuts in the icing specifically because I asked. I also had the pleasure of cleaning the pot with the caramel and I would take my time enjoying the sauce until the last drop was gone. The cake was so popular in our house we could ask for it for Christmas and our guest enjoyed it as well. It was one of the ways that my dad expresses his care. It’s like he channels his love into the food and everyone is vibing right. Now that I eat gluten-free and mostly dairy-free, I tend not to partake in his baked goods. But last Thanksgiving when I was home, he put some sweet potato pie filling made from my grandmother’s recipe aside for me so I was not left out. Although I ended up sharing the pie with others once I hit my sweet threshold, I really cherished those sweet moments. 

These cupcakes, although nothing like the cake my dad baked for me, feed my nostalgia. Once the nostalgia wears off, my body gets upset and I can feel a slight burning sensation at the base of my throat and joint pain I’ve acquired from my holiday lazy moments on the couch. So instead of being annoyed that I ate the cupcake unknowingly trying to savor the memories that keep coming up since I moved here, I’m giving myself grace as I process, knowing it is time to fully eliminate cupcakes from my life. 

Grace for self leads to grace for others

As a human, I’ve learned to have grace when I’m processing an experience and my inner child takes over. Honoring my inner child’s needs and desires is a process and sometimes I cannot give her what she wants, like these cupcakes. But, I can love her. I realized that this cupcake fiasco started around the time my parents left for Ghana. I see my Dad posting pictures of himself enjoying neighborhood cows chilling in the grass. I’m having FOMO and want to be on a long visit to see my mom’s family. Then there is Facebook which emails me every time my dad posts a new picture. In the past it was once every blue moon but now he is posting regularly and I like to creep on over to see his posts so I can laugh, smile, or roll my eyes. But now his notifications may need to be re-examined. 

As a student of naturopathic medicine, I receive training in therapeutic nutrition and through our training we use strict food plans like the anti-inflammatory and elimination diets clinically in treatment plans to identify a possible food intolerance as a contributor to the patient’s complaints. Of course there are tests one may run but this is cost-effective and teaches patients that they are ultimately in control of their health. One of my professors also shared a story of a patient whose mother journaled all of his symptoms after eating and after taking a food sensitivity test, there was no surprise of the patient’s intolerances. It is through the awareness and commitment of the patient, that necessary changes can be made to improve health.

Also through my training, I have come to respect the importance of individualized dietary plans. Some people thrive while consuming meat and dairy. Some people get brain fog eating grains and so a grain-free diet is beneficial. Some people thrive on a vegetarian diet. I’ve found that I do best with some animal protein and plant-dominant, whole foods which is not the vegan diet I started with. So I have learned to have grace with myself because change is a process.

In my feelings

Obviously this is a case of, I’m missing my dad. I am also sad that I have to break up with caramel … I guess I could make this gluten-free, vegan Date Caramel by the Minimalist Baker (I love their recipes). 

Lifestyle changes can be challenging because we all have ways that we cope with stress. I am a conscious foodie who loves movies and dancing. When the cold weather hits, I want to hibernate with my favorite foods. When faced with stressful situations, falling off the bike will happen. Getting back on the bike is more important than giving up. So here is to facing challenges and making peace with my humanness. 

Happy New Year!